My Testimony
I am 17 years old and I am anorexic. It all started when I was at secondary school, when I first started to throw away my lunch. I had seen other girls do this, so I thought why not try it yourself, you don't want to be getting fat and anyway there are more important things to do such as, running about on the playing field and talking to your friends.
At first, it was nothing, but then it started to become a habit, which I couldn’t stop. It wasn’t as bad then, as I would eat crisps at break, but then I started to think and feel guilty for wasting all the food I was throwing away, so I gave it to another girl in my class who loved eating sandwiches and I didn’t feel as bad. I then stopped eating crisps for break and began eating more healthy foods such as, apples or oranges, which made me feel good, as I was not filling myself with junk food.
I was proud that I was slim and didn’t have to eat my sandwiches like everyone else or junk food such as, chocolate and crisps. I had the will power and determination to say no. I had to quickly throw away my sandwiches at school because I didn’t want any of the teachers to see me or tell my mum what I was doing, as I knew there was something wrong, but I was too young to understand, since I was 11 years old.
When we were in the dining room that was the most difficult time, as we would have a prefect from year 11 sitting at the end of the table, so all I used to do was drink my orange juice and leave as quickly as possible. Then a boy in my class noticed I wasn’t eating and told the prefect. I was really nervous and began to get hot and flustered, as I thought ‘what if my mum found out’. I just replied to them ‘oh I am not feeling well, I feel sick’ or ‘I ate it at break time’. I was mad inside, as I thought just because this lad is bigger than me he's just jealous, why can’t he concentrate on his own problems. Sometimes he told me ‘oh I think your anorexic, your really thin’ but I didn’t know what that was. He then told the teacher and later that day the teacher came to me and said ‘if I didn’t start to eat he would tell my mum’. Well, all that day I was worried and worked myself up thinking ‘what can I do?’, but luckily it was summer and we ate our lunch outside, so no-one was watching me when I threw it away. It was great and by the time it was winter everyone had forgotten.
At school some of the boys said to this other girl ‘oh your really pretty and thin’. I wanted to be like this, thinking that I wasn’t as thin as her, but in fact I probably was. When I used to forget to throw my sandwiches away and my mum empted my lunchbox she would say ‘why didn’t you have your dinner’, my heart pounding and thoughts rushing to my head thinking of what to say, as I became hot and replied ‘oh I didn't feel too well’. It was funny really, as I loved eating my breakfast and ate my tea fine with a pudding after such as, custard or a doughnut or even chocolate biscuits. This went on until I left school and started to go to the college.
At college it became more difficult to deal with lunchtime. By now I had stopped eating all foods which I though were bad foods such as, crisps, cakes, chocolate, biscuits. I also stopped drinking pop and tea and only drunk water, as I realised that drinks had calories and this might make me fatter.
I started to think about my weight more and more and became more conscious of what I looked like. One other girl which, I hung around thought herself as fat and never ate her dinner, but in fact she was slim. I thought ‘well if she doesn’t eat her lunch then I’m not’. I forgot about her eating sweets and going to KFC or McDonalds for tea once a week to make up for her not having any dinner, but I was just restricting more and more leaving out my pudding at tea. As I made my sandwiches I left the butter off the bread and went to college with just a wholemeal roll, as I refused to eat white bread, as I knew that was more calories.
At lunch instead of eating I would go to the sports centre and do athletics, aerobics, badminton, basketball and trampolining for an hour each day. I became more conscience of calories in food and found myself checking all the time in everything I ate, without my mum noticing.
I did dancing three times a week, which at first was for enjoyment, but then I started to think it could be also to loose weight ,so I concentrated more on this. At the weekend I would go swimming for 2 - 3 hours or 2 hours bike ride with my dad, and I would also go for long walks. At the weekend, I was at dancing on Saturday, so I never ate anything, which was a relief, but on Sunday I couldn't avoid it, as my parents were there, so I ate it thinking ‘I am going to be so fat, I can’t believe I am eating this. I will have to do more exercise to burn this off’.
Gradually, I ate less and less, when one day I was at home on Saturday as my dancing was later, so I had to eat my dinner at home, which my mum had made. I was so nervous that I just couldn't eat it for the intense fear of becoming fat, so I wrapped up the sandwich in a serviette and hid it in my trousers to throw away at dancing, so my mum wouldn't see it in the bin at home, but little did I know that my mum was watching from the kitchen. I went to dancing that night and knew there was something wrong with my mum, I had an instinct that she knew, I don't know how, but she did. Finally, I plucked up the courage and asked her what was wrong, well her face went red and she came straight out with it and said ‘you never ate your lunch did you?, you threw it away’. She couldn't understand why I had done this. I was all out of excuses and just said I don’t know. For days, tension was in the house, as my mum tried everything to get me to eat, but I wasn’t having any of it. First, she tried not speaking to me for days, which really hurt deep down inside, as I went to bed crying thinking ‘I wish everything was the way it was before’, but this still did no good, as I could not help throwing food away. Then, she tried to be nice to me and again, although the tension was easier in the house, it still did not stop me, as it was like an addiction to which I was drawn to.
Gradually, as my weight decreased over the weeks my mum took me to the doctors, as my periods had stopped and I had started to have diarrhoea. This meant that my body was closing down. When we got to the doctors and he saw me, first he weighed me and finally told me and my mum that I had anorexia. My heart sank and my face became bright red, as he said that you would have to go into hospital. I broke down crying. He said it would be a few weeks until funding could be sorted and told us that it would be better if I tried to put on weight now, as it might be a shorter stay in hospital.
As the weeks went by, waiting for funding, my weight dropped to 5 stone. At this point all that was occupying my mind was food with thoughts like ‘what was the lowest calorie?’, ‘am I eating too much?’, ‘that will put on weight, how much fat is in here?’ ‘how will I burn it off?’. It hurt me when I sat down, as I could feel the bones in my bum sticking out. Although it hurt it felt good that I knew I was thin, but when I looked in the mirror I could always see room for improvement by loosing weight everywhere, especially my stomach. Dancing became more difficult, as I felt weaker than before, but carried on anyway, because if I didn’t I would feel guilty for not doing as much exercise and I would get annoyed with myself and think about that all day.
I began cooking cakes for everyone in the family and became obsessed, although I wouldn't dream of eating anything I baked, for fear of weight gain.
One day I was invited around my friend house for her birthday on Sunday. That day I had only had two slices of brown bread with nothing in the middle to make out that I had made myself a sandwich, which I never ate, but again put it in a serviette. When I got to the party, I ate nothing for my tea. As it was a buffet everyone else was eating pizza, cakes and crisps, while all I had was one slice of melon. I felt full. I thought what will power you have got not to eat junk food like they are, you are not going to be fat like they are. I never drank anything, as I remember someone telling me once when I said I drink Fanta she said that ‘my son drinks that all the time and now he has a little belly because it has got loads of sugar in it’. Well, that put me off drinking, so I only drunk half a cup of water in the morning and half a cup of water at tea time. My mum tried to make me eat to stop me from going into the hospital, by giving me chunky kit-Kats and chocolate bars and build up drinks, such as complan, but it was no good. I would break the kit-Kat up into small pieces and roll them up in a serviette and put them into my dressing gown pocket, then later I would store them into my wardrobe to throw away later and I would pretend to chew. With the drinks I would make them up in the kitchen, so it looked like I used the milk and then poured it down the sink before coming into the living room and pretending to drink it. If my mum was in the room I was stuck, I took a big mouthful and would say, ‘I am just going to the toilet’ and spit it out there and wash my mouth out to make such I had not swallowed any of it for the dread of having a single calorie. When the bag in my bedroom wardrobe was full, I used to wait until my mum went to work, then I used to walk into town to throw it away, so there was no trace of food left, just incase my mum checked in the bin at home.
Every morning in the holidays I would go for a long walk while my mum was at work, because I didn’t want to sit, as I felt lazy and fat and thought that I must always keep myself occupied, even if it was cleaning my bedroom to burn calories, which I had eaten at breakfast. Social events were hard, as I drifted further apart from my friends, as I could think of nothing but food. I became withdrawn and moody especially around food! At night when I went to bed it hurt to lie down as my bones were sticking out, but I didn’t care because I felt good, so I lay on my back to try and stop the pain so I could go to sleep.
Finally, I was admitted into hospital.It was dreadful, as I had never been away from my mum before. They said that I only had a week left to live, but it didn’t shock me at all because I felt fine and thought that it would never happen to me. As soon as I stepped into the hospital they put me in a wheelchair like an invalid. They put me on bed rest for at least 6 weeks in which, I had to sit on my bed or lie and not get off it, only to eat and go to the toilet. I felt lazy and a fat pig. When I looked at the other girl I was sharing a room with, I thought ‘I am so fat why do I need to be in here, she's thinner than I am, there is nothing wrong with me’.
Everyday, I would ring my mum or dad up crying on the phone. The food was the worst. At first they put me on a liquid diet of drinks, as I could not stomach the sight of food. These were filling in themselves. When I got off the bed to go to the toilet that was my chance to get the tiniest bit of exercise, as I would jog in the toilet before the staff came to watch me. When I was sat on the bed I would swing my legs on the bed to try and burn calories and the staff kept telling me off, but I didn’t care I needed to do it. I couldn’t understand why they didn’t see me as how fat I was. Also when the drinks came I tried to leave a little bit of drink in the bottom of the cup and around the edges to leave as many calories as I could. After the weeks went by they started me on solid food, which was dreadful, as I had not eaten properly for a long time. I felt sick inside, as the thought of all the calories in my body. I would break my food up for the hope of leaving crumbs and calories. I hated all the staff trying to be nice, they only wanted me to get fat.
It was Christmas and the worst yet. I was allowed home but only from Christmas Eve to Boxing day in case I lost too much weight. There were chocolates laid out and nuts as there always was, but I couldn’t eat any of them. I cut out my snacks completely and only had a small amount to eat even on Christmas Day. I told my mum to buy me a chocolate advent calendar, but when I opened it I just couldn’t eat them, so I had to give them away, even the chocolates on the tree I couldn’t touch, for the look of chocolate to me was like eating a block of fat and lard, which would immediately put on weight and go straight to my stomach. When I returned I found that I had lost weight. I was relieved that I hadn’t put any on over the Christmas period as people usually do. This was the most stressful time of the year and it ruined my entire Christmas. I thought ‘I am glad that is over and I never want another Christmas like that again’.
I was moved into a small dining room, as I progressed. I was constantly being told not to squash my food or cut it up into tiny pieces or mess with it on my plate, but I couldn’t help. They didn’t see what I saw a load of greasy fat food which would put on weight and make me fat. This would be anything like weetabix, bread, rice etc. After I was then moved in the main dining room with the other girls. This was terrible, as I thought everyone was watching me eating, but I could do noting about it. Then I got my own room it was great. As I was only checked every fifteen minutes, I would exercise constantly in my room and then stop when the staff came to check. I would run up and down the stairs to try and burn off any calories in desperate need to loose weight. I picked up lots of tips from the other girls about what was the best things to eat in terms of the lowest calorie and fattening foods. I couldn't take it any more, so I discharged myself at 6 stone 4.
I quickly went downhill again, as I began to exercise constantly and gradually skip my meals again. I could not eat in front of anyone but my parents, not even at college. I tried to eat, even a slice of bread at college but it was so temping to throw it away. I would always tell my friends oh I am just going to the toilet and eat my piece of fruit alone in the toilet so no-one could see me. I thought that if they saw me eating they would think, ‘Wow, look how much she is eating the fat pig’ even if it was just a piece of fruit.
Whenever I tried to eat anything with my mum at home, I would always compare the foods to see which were the thinnest. For example, I would check the slices of bread in the bag. My mum would ask me ‘what are you doing?’ and I would reply ‘Oh nothing’ in an annoyed voice as I thought ‘why is she asking me this? leave me alone.’ This was to get the least calorie in everything I ate, even if it was a piece of fruit, I would measure the oranges to see which was the smallest. If I didn’t have the smallest I would get annoyed with myself and probably leave something out the next day, or I would cry in bed, after thinking ‘how many calories could that of added’.
The day after my birthday, I was admitted into hospital again. Here I had to start all over again on bed rest and go through the whole system. This time the doctor wouldn't let me out. I still ran up and down the stairs as many times as I could, when I came off bed rest and used any excuse to do this, as ‘I forgot my bag’ or ‘my friend is ringing’. I picked up more tips about calories, but this time about fat and carbohydrates as well. I thought that I definitely looked a lot fatter than the other girls on the unit and some that were leaving I did not want to look like them, as I thought they had huge stomachs, legs and arms. I needed to do something quickly. I would open the window in my room and try to wear just t-shirts to get cold, as I learned off the other girls and staff that this would loose me weight. I would never sit down, as I felt fat and thought ‘well they make me sit down after eating for an hour, so I am going to burn calories by standing every minute I get’. I begged the doctor to discharge me, as I could not discharge myself because I found out that I would not be able to look after children, as I wanted to become a nursery nurse. I said everything and especially played on my A level exams and said you will ruin my exams if you don't give me a chance to prove that I can do it. That was not the only reason I wanted to come out it, was also because I thought I was getting too fat again. My mind my filled with food and calories.
When I was allowed home for the weekend, I would not drink hardly anything and I would try to make myself as cold as I could. My lips and fingers would turn purple and I kept licking lips so my mum wouldn’t notice but she always did. My reply was ‘I have just cleaned my teeth in the cold water’. I would also cut right back on my snacks and food as much as I could. When I returned to the hospital I was always pleased to see that I had lost weight, but the doctor didn’t seem to happy, but I didn’t care because at least I knew that I had had the reassurance that I could stop eating whenever I wanted to and loose weight and not feel sick. Then the next week he discharged me, I couldn't believe my ears. I was no where near my target weight at 6 stone 12.
As soon as I came out I began to cut back again, until I thought that a weight of 6 and a half stone was right for me. Again I couldn't stop and so here I am today still going to the doctors each week to be weighed and still cutting back on my food. The doctor has warned me that if I lose any more weight I will be in hospital again, as I am going down rapidly. The threat of the hospital is still not enough to make me realise what I am doing to myself. I don't know what will, but I am hoping not to go back in. I try my best for myself and my parents, but it is really difficult and I am struggling a lot. My parents are the foundation of my support and I love them with all my heart. I will be forever graduate to them for what they have done for me and I will continue to try my best for whatever the future holds.
Continued on to Hayleys Story part 2