Continuing Life.......
I am now 18 years old and have been admitted a total of 5 times three more times since I was 16 years old. The third time, my doctor sent me into hospitial again, I was quite a low weight. I cannot remember a lot, as I have a memory like a sieve, probably because I have anorexia. I remember being on bed rest for a while and continuing with obsessive exercising and this time refusing to eat. I was so sick of people telling me what to eat, so I thought I will try something different this admission and maybe they will leave me alone and discharge me. I was put on a liquid diet again, but this time I was very anxious and worked myself up constantly, I dreaded each meal time. I hated waking up everyday and sometimes wished I never woke up as this would solve all my problems of being thin and comparing myself all the time and the pressure I put on myself to be the best and get the best results in exams.
Anyway, every time when they bring my food I used to drink a bit and pretend to wipe my mouth and spit it out on my hand and wipe it on the chair.How stupid were the staff, especially the agency as they had no idea. I would also drink through a straw and leave loads in the straw and the cup, then throw it away really quickly as if I had drunk it (ha ha). Then because I lost weight each week and I was taking hours to drink one cup, they siad they would section me if I didn't start to put on weight. Then one day when it was meal time, doctors came in to examine me and saw how distressed I was and put me on a section. I was really annoyed because now I had no say at all and they could put me on whatever medication they wanted and give me whatever calories they wanted. I still refused to eat and therefore they tried to put put the tube down me. I didn't really know what it was like, but when they tried to put it through my nose it was horrendous.
I bet the staff didn't know how much it hurt and didn't even care as long as they put it in me. I could feel them pushing it down slowly and I had to swallow all the time to try and make it less painful going down, but it was so sore. I hated everyone, ESPECIALLY the doctor. When thry finally got it in, they had to take it out because something was wrong and the nurse wasn;t happy with it so then after putting me through all that pain they had to then pull it out. It was the most strangest feeling because I could feel it coming up through my throat and out of my nose. The last bit hurt when I pulled it out because it was quite big.
After that I didn't care and tried to eat more quickly because I was determined not to have that put back in. Everyday I had lots of nose bleeds because of the tube, but at least it gave me a chance to stand up near the sink, so hopefully I was burning calories. I then decided to change my strategy in order to get out more quickly, so I decided to ASK to go onto solid foods and go into the main dining room. I thought they might think well she is eating better and not struggling so lets discharge her because she is clearly alright. No chance. I am obviously not that lucky, as everyone wants to make me FATTER.
Anyway I persevered, but little did they know that I was exercising. I used to go for long walks for a couple of hours with a friend who was always trying to loose weight so we were really helping each other. She was really nice and we talked about the staff which ones we liked and disliked and why and how to loose extra calories and hide food. Even when it was raining I tried to go for a walk without anyone seeing me because I knew we weren't supposed to, but that was probably because they wanted us all to be FAT like themselves.
When I eventually got to eat my own food with no supervision in a seperate dining room with only a few other girls, I thought this is my chnce to loose weight. So I used to get my food really early and either throw it away before any other girls came in and just drink a glass of water to make out that I had eaten my food or usually at night I would take a snack up to my bedroom and pour the milk don the sink and hide the food in my coat to thow away in the bin across the road when I had unescorted walks.
The fourth time I was admitted, it was November, again over Christmas. It must be a pattern because I really hate the winter period as it is so cold. It was also getting towards exam time
and therefore I felt it as a break or a relief period where I could relax from the thought of getting good grades and everything right. This time I tried to play up again with food and be awkward as I felt like it. I went in on food but spend ages with it like two hours and picked and squashed it down, generally just playing with it. I really wasn’t hungry and knew what I would come out like if I ate again. I was on bedrest, so that didn’t help as I couldn’t move around, but that didn’t stop me as I still got up as often as I could to go to the toilet or get something off the table or just generally fidget. I got told off so any times but I didn’t care what could they do strap me down on the bed, I don’t think so. They think they have so much authority; they are only nurses who have no say like the doctors. Anyway, I got told that if I didn’t eat faster then they would again try and put the tube down me. I HATE them all! I eventually came off bedrest and got my own room, after about a month and a half. I hated all the other girls in that place because I thought they were all thinner than me so when I was in the dining room I tried to hide food and say I didn’t like it or I felt sick. I exercised so much because I really needed to loose more weight, by doing sit-ups in my room and jogging and going for long walks around the ground. I didn’t want to get better; I hate myself so why would I want to. I don’t think I am pretty or kind and I feel as if people talk about me behind my back and laugh. All I want is for people to leave me alone, so I can eat the way I want to and what I want. I have to be the thinnest, so at least I feel good at something. I was finally discharged in February 2006. I went straight back to my old routine because I thought they made me too fat, so I ate an apple for breakfast and an apple for tea, sometimes if I was feeling brave, I would try to drink a slim-a-soup because it had less than 50 calories in and hardly any fat. I found it really difficult to concentrate on my A levels and found them very stressful as I was putting so much pressure on myself to be perfect and get better grades than anyone else. This time I took laxatives and exercised nearly all day to loose the weight faster. When my mum took me to the doctors, he told me I would have to go back in hospital, which I didn’t mind, but I know how long a person usually stays in there for and I was worried that I wasn’t going to complete my A levels again after all that hard work.
This was my fifth time now and I wanted to stay in a long time but I knew that I had to do my exams. When I went in, after eating less than 90 calories day depending on how I felt, I demanded that I was put on 2250 calories a day. It was in a way a relief that I could eat all the foods I liked and wanted to eat without worrying so much because I told myself I had to because the doctors were making me and if they would put the tube in my nose again. This time I felt like a fraud though because I was not that low weight I was only on bedrest for a day and they gave me my own room. I was so annoyed I hated myself because that meant there were other girls that were thinner than me. I HATE MYSELF for not loosing more weight quicker, I should have been more determined. I tried to blank everything out and isolated myself from everyone, so I just concentrated on getting out and studied from 7am until 9pm at night just stopping when it was stupid food time……………..
To be continued